*** Interestingly, I never published this post. I'm doing it now, because I finally feel brave enough to do it, though much of this debate has already been had. In any case, I wrote it 6.21.12, right after the Atlantic article came out...
The media is at it again. The new Atlantic July/August issue is out and takes on why mother's can't have it all. Without getting too much into the debate again, mostly because it could be a ceaseless swamp of self-doubt and stagnation for me, I do wonder why these questions are coming to the forefront now? Is it the new generation of mothers trying to follow in baby boomer footsteps? Is it the changing (a little) norms around which gender does what at home? Why do you think this is so in our public conciousness right now?
A lot of the talk in the Atlantic, the NYTimes and other major media outlets comes from women in corporate america, who struggle with the culture's demands. I understand these demands only from my friends (I left corporate america asap in my early 20s), and I see that flexibility is an oft-used word that doesn't translate into a reality for them. I worry, too, that women can't have it "all" in the way the we define "all." What does that mean? Does it mean that we should expect to be CEOs, school leaders, change-makers and do the school drop-off, pick-up, conferences, after school activities, etc? Is that really an expectation? Why are women being made to feel like they have to do both at full capacity? I think that's what worries me most. In a culture the demands so much perfection from women, we aren't helping anyone by framing the debate around who achieves at the highest level and who doesn't.
And mostly, the voices that resound in this debate are from those women who do have some flexibility, some choice. Perhaps, like me, they find those choices incredibly hard to make. What do I value about my work today? What will I value in three years? in five? How will my family and others value me? What am I giving up by scaling back? What if I can't get it all back? What if I don't move forward? How unhappy do I have to be to change my life, knowing the risks? But, what does a single mom ask herself? What does a young widow ask herself? I wonder even more what we're doing for the woman who lacks resources when we make the debate about having it "all?"
Shouldn't we also be talking about what men are doing? Why is the focus always on how women fall short? Why is the culture a problem for women? I know it's a problem for men, too. Could we get some of our male counterparts to get in on this debate and talk about how much they'd like to have less pressure, more time at home, etc? I can't help but think that if more men accepted a different vision of their role, and spoke up about it, the culture would change. Maybe this is just not going to happen for my generation, but I wish it would.
I think I said I wouldn't get into the debate, and I have. I always end up in one unresolved place on this issue. What does it mean for women, particularly in this country (because this is a first-world problem), if more women change their vision of having it "all." Of all the things I worry about in my choice, this one plagues me the most. I want parity for women, I want to vote for a woman president some day, I want women to be running companies. But, I feel fiercely protective of women and how we're judged. And how we judge ourselves. I certainly have judged women in the past, without thinking through those judgements. For instance, I do wonder how I would feel if I had chosen something other than teaching, put in 60+ hours a week (like I did as a teacher), excelled and made quadruple my teacher's salary? Would it have been so easy for me to walk away? What if I had actually really liked that job? Would it be easy to accept being judged for scaling back in a job I loved?
No one's choices are easy. We just make our own and muddle through them. And, perhaps, then change our minds again. As I sit here, I'm looking out at a storm blow in from the west across a lake in the middle of nowhere. When you're on a body of water, you have the ability to literally see the rain coming, to take shelter, to batton down the hatches. I like to be prepared and be able to see ahead of me what will happen. I'm not in that position right now in my life and it's unsettling, but I'm not alone. I'm proud of what women in my generation are saying and doing, that they are making choices. My hope is that we support one another in those choices, knowing full well the fallacy of having it all is what's holding us down.
I guess I don't have a lot of answers.
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